If you're like me, you're undoubtedly captivated by the Euro 2012 coming at us from two countries that are sure to top anyone's bucket list: Poland and Ukraine. By captivated, I mean awe-struck by the inability to understand what makes this the "world's game" and how so many people can spend a good part of their waking hours allegedly interested in an activity that – on this continental landmass – is best suited for preschoolers in a co-ed rec league.
Now, if you're assuming that I'm predisposed to disliking sports that are of foreign origin, guess again. During the first round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs I relish the possibility of watching four hockey games a night. I've set my alarm to rouse myself out of a great night's sleep to watch a Formula One race from Bahrain or Kuala Lumpur in the predawn morning. Of the four tennis majors, I think the French Open is the most badass – orange clay, Perrier signage and all.
It is said that North Americans aren't interested in soccer because they don't understand the game. I'd counter that the majority of us aren't interested in soccer because… it sucks! We're now into the fourth generation in which soccer is widely offered as a sporting option to kids growing up in America, yet the most talented athletes continue to pursue sports in which you get to use your entire body: football, baseball, hockey, and basketball. Can you believe all that NASL shit with Pele happened… in the 1970s – forty years ago!? The indoor MISL league was putting a few asses in seats of otherwise empty arenas in the 1980s. The World Cup (not the girls' one; the real one) that was held in the US and was supposed to transform our national appreciation for soccer? Yeah, that happened eighteen years ago. The US-hosted women's World Cup that concluded with that one chick running around in her bra and charming a nation? Well, unless you're someone who gets your news from the Today show, it didn't really charm a nation. Are you catching on that soccer's not catching on here?
When I was a kid I played pick-up and organized soccer. I've been to an MLS game in Seattle, the giddiest of MLS cities. I attended a Champions League game at Lisbon's Estádio da Luz, one of the most storied in Europe. While vacationing in France I even had the chance to watch the televised World Cup final (well, as much of a 0-0 yawner one could stomach) in the main square of Lyon in 2010 while drinking beer shoulder-to-shoulder with fans from Spain, the Netherlands, and all over Europe. In spite of all that, I'm here to tell you objectively: soccer sucks.
Here are 10 reasons why:
 |
| A real barnburner... |
Soccer: Two Teams – One Goal
No – that's not a marketing slogan – that's the sum total of scoring in the whole damn game. Unless of course there's a (very frequent) nil-nil draw. It is exceedingly boring. Excitement in sports doesn't necessarily come about because of points or goals scored, but rather it's the possibility of scoring that brings delight. In football, hockey, basketball, and even (gasp) baseball, there is a chance that each time a player can comes in contact with the ball/puck he can score. Not so in soccer. A good 90%+ of a match is about nothing at all: guys in shorts jogging around an enormous well-manicured lawn, or taking turns to kick the ball out of bounds and toss it back into play. The lack of scoring isn't really the problem. Hockey, a sport with a similar objective, can put on tremendously entertaining one-nil – er-, one-nothing games.
 |
| Which one is England? |
Place names used as plural nouns
You may remember from grade school grammar that entities such as England, or France, or Burundi are proper, singular nouns, right? Not so in soccer. England have won! (unlikely), France have lost. (typical in general, though with less frequency in soccer), and Burundi have drawn (machetes, perhaps?) are common phrases of victory or defeat, or, um… drawing – the most likely outcome.
 |
| Almost done, lads. My arms are getting tired. |
Just when will this thing end so we can go home? Well, they're not going to tell you; only the ref knows and he ends the game when he sees fit. You see, as the clock ticks up to 90:00 (yes, that's right, it ticks up), that's not necessarily the end of the game. Most matches, it just keeps ticking on past the 90 minute mark until the ref calls the match when the he decides he either likes the outcome or fancies a basket of fish 'n' chips.
 |
| Say one more time that our words are a wee twee and I'll show you a yellow card, mate! |
Terminology
Matches, the pitch, friendlies, side, nil, and… footie. Silly affected words, all.
 |
| Damn. If it were just a little bigger... |
Not exactly fair considering the ball is placed about ten feet in front of the goalie who is guarding a net the size of a school bus. This is an arbitrary way of ending the game as the shootout is completely disconnected to the play of the actual game. This would be like having a tied Super Bowl settled with a kick/pass/and punt contest. Although that is an unlikely scenario considering the teams' propensity to score more than once.
 |
| Welcome to our house, borscht-breathed bitches! |
Nationalism, Patriotism, Racism
To the typical American soccer fan, these are some of the most contemptible –isms imaginable. They're also present to some degree or another in almost every match.
American Fans
 |
| America rules! (I mean in a really benign, peaceful way). |
These people tend to be soi disant intellectuals who take pride in never having cared for sports throughout their studious lives. However, soccer represents something aspirational to them. It's European and international, so therefore it's more culturally sophisticated than anything the rubes in fly-over country might like. Fact is, in Europe soccer is a sport followed by a combination of plebs, proles, and the hoi polloi. After all, who do you think does all that racist heckling and drunken rioting – university professors and journalists for Le Monde? If you've ever heard Beckham or Wayne Rooney provide a post-match interview, it quickly becomes evident that the typical NBA player has them by about 30 IQ points.
 |
| If you're medicated and you know it, clap your hands... |
- Flag waving, songs, and chants that have no relation to the play happening on the field. And what's with all the bouncing up and down? In other sports, fans usually express themselves in moments of joy, triumph, disappointment, or outrage. In soccer, the play on the field is so boring that creative fans have taken measures to invent ways of keeping themselves entertained.
